In which I save your relationship

I’m certain that everyone thinks that being married to me would be a little slice of heaven, that every day would be like getting a champagne sponge bath from Brad Pitt and Johnny Depp while Oprah gives you a caviar enema, and 6 burly yet finicky Greek men clean your house and an albino monkey whose farts smell like chocolate feeds you grapes, at the same time Stevie Wonder arranges roses to spell your name, his hands bleeding from the thorns, and your name horribly misspelled and not actually resembling any word or language that you’ve ever seen, but hey, it’s Stevie Wonder.

I’m not going to lie to you. Being married to me is exactly like that. But it’s not all bleeding blind guys and farting monkeys. No, I’ve really had to work to be this perfect. I’ve made my fair share of mistakes And since you are all my friends, I will give you my tips for a successful and happy marriage. And please bear in mind that it always helps if you are vomit-inducingly attractive and well-nigh irresistible, such as I am.

I could’ve provided more (or frankly, after you’ve read them, you’ll see I could’ve likely chopped a few), but ten is such a nice, round number.

1. YOUR COMFORT IS NOT AS IMPORTANT AS YOUR SIGNIFICANT OTHER’S FRAGILE NERVES: If it’s somewhat late, and the kids are all asleep, and your significant other is still up puttering around while you lay in your bed, all warm and toasty and comfortable and sleepy, and if you notice that the bathroom light is on, and it starts to bother you, I mean, just really get on your nerves, and you start wondering who left that light on, and you suspect that it was your significant other, and you don’t want to leave your comfy little haven, DON’T scream as if a limb has just been severed in order to gain your significant other’s attention and have her run into the room so that you can ask her to turn the light off. Yes, it seems like a perfectly ordinary solution to a perfectly ordinary problem, but you will find that the resulting tongue-lashing further hinders your sleep. Though it’s understandably a struggle, and your significant other is up anyway, it’s best just to get up and turn it off yourself.

2. YOUR JOKES ARE NOT ALWAYS FUNNY: Realize that any joke, no matter how hilarious, does have an expiration date. The first time your significant comes home after a visit to the hair salon and doesn’t look noticeably different, some gentle chiding will be seen as all in good fun. The 40th time, not so funny. I will admit that I have not taken this lesson to heart.

3. JOKES ABOUT YOU, ON THE OTHER HAND, ARE ALWAYS FUNNY: As a corollary, jokes about YOU have no expiration date. You will repeatedly have to hear the story about the time that you were sent to the story for a gallon of milk, and returned with an enormous block of cheese, a half-gallon of Cholula, and a 12-pack of Coke, and no milk. You won’t understand why this is noteworthy, but you will look appropriately sheepish each time the story is told. You will also have to hear about the time that you swallowed a very old antibiotic pill found by itself in a pill bottle in the back of your medicine chest because you said “Hey, I paid for it.” Luckily, though, your drunken escapades will most likely not be fodder for jokes at your expense, as long as you don’t bring up your significant other’s drunken escapades.

4. HOUSEWORK: Occasionally, DO a little housework, and then scoff if offered any thanks. Say things like “Hey, it’s my house, too.” This will reinforce to your partner that you are 1) responsible, and 2) willing to do a little housework every now and then. If you are willing to do a little, hopefully, your partner will not expect a lot. And removing your belt from your pants does NOT qualify as housework, though it should.

5. DIRTY DIAPERS: No one’s falling for it. Everyone can smell the dirty diaper, and since the kid’s in your lap, you should just bite the bullet (which seriously brings up some disgusting mental pictures) and change the diaper. DON’T ignore the dirty diaper. Also, DON’T scream in disgust while changing the diaper. DON’T try to describe the smell, and the havoc it’s wreaking on your olfactory nerves. And most of all, DON’T try to parlay the one time you changed a diaper into not changing the next ten. I mean, you’re good for like five or so. DON’T be greedy.

6. THE MARITAL BED IS NOT JUST YOURS: If your bed is big and comfortable, and you yourself are likewise big and comfortable, it’s not kosher to fake a communicable illness so that your partner feels that they should sleep on the couch and allow you to hog that big old bed all to yourself. Yup, that’s a DON’T. Among the infectious diseases that you shouldn’t fake include: Spanish Influenza, whooping cough, the plague, scurvy (which I don’t think is actually transmittable), smallpox, and just a general vague malaise. Also, don’t fake restless leg syndrome in the hopes that your partner will simply get the hell out of bed just to get away from your jostling person.

7. DROPPING F-BOMBS: DON’T use excessive profanity. The quandary is, of course, the definition of “excessive,” which will undoubtedly differ between partners. Here’s a hint: your definition is far too liberal. Your partner’s draconian definition of “excessive profanity” is correct, damn it to hell.

8. ANNIVERSARY GIFTS: When it comes to Anniversary Presents, DO religiously stick to the traditional Anniversary Present scheme. Your significant other will think that you are hopelessly romantic to give traditional gifts. This is true. What else is true is that you have to put little to no effort into deciding what an appropriate gift will be. Some wonderful schmuck came up with a list for you! The great thing about this particular tip is that you can admit it to your significant other and he/she won’t care. (Who are we kidding? There’s no “he.”)

9. SUGARPIE HONEYBUNCH: Avoid pet names for each other at all costs. It’s just sickening. I do call my wife by her maiden name, but avoid “babe,” “lover,” “fancy face,” “fancy feast,” “toots,” “stinkfinger,” “shifty,” “honey,” etc. This will likely not save your relationship, but it will make me not hate you. Or hate you less.

10. SAY IT OFTEN: Most importantly, tell her that you love her every day. Make a game of it. Try to find the most inappropriate time. She’s changing a diaper? “Love you.” Left the door open when using the restroom? “Love you.” On her hands and knees cleaning vomit off the floor? “Love you.” Up to her shoulder in a cow’s ass? “Love you.” Screaming at a telemarketer? “Love you.” The spontaneous admission of love is the most sincere, probably.

I hope that you can use this to improve your relationship. I’m no Dr. Phil because I’m not excessively overweight, I have a full head of hair, a relative dearth of homespun wisdom, and I don’t have a PhD in Home Economics (which may or may not be true about Dr. Phil). What I do have is almost 38 years of being wonderful, and 43 years of a successful marriage where I have rarely been referred to as an asshole.

Enjoy friends, and remember the most important rule regarding long-term relationships: your partner knows all your dirty little secrets, your secret anxieties and phobias, everything embarrassing about you, and is still willing to call the pizza place because you‘re uncomfortable on the phone. Do you really want to let this person out of your sight?

And please keep my wife in your thoughts as she tries to clean out the caviar.