In which I describe my apparent t-shirt fetish

My t-shirt drawer is full to bursting. I decided that I should winnow out a few, maybe give some to Goodwill, maybe throw some away. However, during my culling process, I discovered that I have an unnatural attraction to my shirts.

This shirt has holes in both armpits. But, then again, it was my first Miskatonic University t-shirt, and I wore it to my first Nine Inch Nails concert. Back in the drawer.

This shirt has a bleach stain on the front. But it’s my only other Sandman (a fantastic comic by Neil Gaiman. Check it out) t-shirt besides the long-sleeve one with Death on it. No, I’ll just color in that white spot with magic marker.

This shirt is from my first bike race. This one’s from my second. Here’s my third and fourth race shirts. Okay, new rule. We keep all bike related shirts.

I got this t-shirt when I joined the Nine Inch Nails fan club. I got this t-shirt when I resigned from the Nine Inch Nails fan club. I got this at my first Nine Inch Nails concert. I just ordered this one from NiN.com . I got this one at my last Nine Inch Nails concert. It has the Jane’s Addiction logo on it, too, complete with a naked chick. It doesn’t fit, but NIN and Jane’s Addiction? Yeah, that’s a keeper.

I bought this one in the Denver airport. It’s orange and says “Denver.” How clever. I never wear it because it’s so ugly. But then again, it’s still practically brand new. Into the drawer with you.

“The Dunwich Horror”? Another Lovecraft t-shirt. It came with an audiobook on CD that I ordered, I think. I ordered the extra-large, which the manufacturers apparently thought meant 7 foot tall, and not 6’2’’ with a little extra roundness around the middle. And it’s a marbly dark brown. How hideous. It looks just like someone had wiped there ass on a white t-shirt over and over again. I’ve only worn it twice. Still, like the Denver shirt, it’s practically brand new. And it’s from H.P. Lovecraft.

Another Miskatonic University t-shirt. It’s fine. A few University of Wyoming t-shirts. Man, I’ve had these for years. I graduated college in 1998, and law school in 2001. These are some old, well worn shirts. And this one’s starting to smell. But do I really want to get rid of all my Wyoming gear? No. It stays.

A t-shirt my father-in-law bought me that says “VIRGIN” in huge letters, with “records” in smaller letters underneath it. I’ve never worn this shirt. It’s too new to throw away, but do I really want some poor person to have to walk around with a t-shirt announcing their virginity? No. I’m sure I can wear it under something else.

Here’s another t-shirt from my in-laws. It has Franz Kafka on the front. They got it in Prague. They bought me the European extra-large, which is like an American medium. Jesus, how tiny are those Europeans, anyway? I’ll give that one to Sarah. She likes pretentious things. That’s why she married me, after all.

Man, there’s a lot of black in this drawer. Here’s a red shirt with no markings on it. Great shirt. Keep. A Blue shirt with a faux white shirt under it. Keep. My Indycar Racing shirt. Definitely keep. It makes me look like I have awesome pectorals.

My Innsmouth High School Swim Team shirt. I will never part from this shirt. It’s so esoteric that only one person has ever “gotten” it. Too esoteric? Nah. Keep it.

Two Nirvana t-shirts. Do I really need two? Well, one describes a concert that I never went to, and the other has the word "Motherfucker" on the back. So I guess I do need them. Never know when you may need a shirt with "Motherfucker" on it.

My Reverend Horton Heat shirts. Man, I have a lot of band shirts, especially from someone who took violin lessons as a kid. This one that says on the back "Playing every state in a drunken state" I never really cared for. I WILL throw this one in the Goodwill pile. Still. . . I got that from the time that Jenny Ingram and I went to Denver to see them play. We had a hysterically good time, and we ate Greek afterward. I'll hold onto it for a little while longer.

And on it goes. I’ve disposed of several white undershirts, but nothing else. I wear a lot of dress shirts, so my t-shirts go unused. And Sarah steals some of my shirts.

But, oddly, what I really want are more shirts. These shirts are each a treasure, but I need some fresh blood to throw in the mix. Maybe I should get that STP shirt at K-mart?